Friday, March 11, 2011

VERSUS * Big Foot v. Chewy Cobra

"Yes. I am real." ... "Did I eat your goat? No! That's so gross! I'm a Vegan."
Is Big Foot real? Did Leonard Nimoy lie to me again? A majority of scientists discount the existence of Bigfoot and consider it to be a combination of folklore, misidentification, hallucinogenic drugs and hoax, rather than a legitimate manimal, in part because some estimate large numbers necessary to maintain a breeding population. You'd go figure he would have shown up in a Vivid production by now? Hoy'~O!
 "Marsha. Quick there's been an accident involving your brother Peter. Get in my van!"
... right ...
Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is purportedly an ape-like creature that inhabits forests (oh Crimony, that reads "hippie"), mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America (too much science... save the earth, yawn-o boring) Bigfoot is usually described as a large, bearded, stinky, hairy, bipedal humanoid sometimes wearing tye-dye. The term "sasquatch" is an anglicized derivative of the word "Sésquac" which means "wild man" in a some Native American language, whatever.
"No cell phone signal ... again. What I wouldn't give for a Okie Dog right about now."
But alas, the existence they maintained became monotonous and monumentally boring over the years. Once the initial hype was over, sometime during the early 80's, they began to look toward alternative lifestyles. Hollywood had little need for large hairy men covered in fur. Except for one film student who created the best movie ever made in a garage in van Nuys.
Most then acquired the AIDS virus and through natural attrition weeded themselves out (ouch, that's pretty harsh). Condoms just don't fit! Others found that shaving their bodies (thus keeping the Bic Co. from going out of business) and inner-breeding with humans to be their only salvation.
A few still wander the globe looking for their place to fit into a modern world. You ever see that big guy squished inside a Mini Cooper? That's probably him. Bad Religion summed it up perfectly in their song, "21st Century Digital Boy." (You know, the part where they say "life's such a mystery", that was written for the Big Foot in the band. I think he was the bass player?)
The term "Chewy Cobra" is an anglicized (red neck) derivative of the word "Chupacabra" which means it has two small arms with a three-fingered clawed hand, two strong hind almost reptilian legs, again with three claws and spinal quills down its back, which it uses to fly (can you say, hallucinogenic drugs? I bet you can). You didn't know Porcupines could fly either did you? Well they can when they get hit by a bus. This appears to enable the Chewy Cobra to run quickly and leap over trees. Its head is oval in shape and has an elongated jaw. It appears to have strong course hair all over its body (unlike the beef cake in the photo below).
Farmers have found their animals lying dead on the ground with puncture wounds in their necks and all the blood drained from their bodies. The Chewy Cobra is like some kind of blood drinking animal vampire. Scary stuff yo. Sightings of Chupacabra continue to be reported in various parts of Porto Rico, Mexico, West Hollywood, Temecula, and Texas. The Goatsucker (as it is was referred to historically) allegedly killed 1 goat in the town of Rosemead, CA. in 1987, and on one occasion a group of townspeople said they chased the creature away as it was attempting to kill three price fighting roosters.
West Hollywood City officials quickly called in the National Guard Halloween night in 1997, after a reported sighting on Santa Monica Blvd. Hundreds of armed soldiers undertook a massive search of the area, hunting the Chewy Cobra. Night patrols, however, found nothing. The Chupacabra must still be at large, be still my heart. At least thirteen soldiers allegedly "disappeared" that night during the course of the search and when they returned to base (sometimes) days later, claimed to have suffered from unknown (internal) injuries and temporary amnesia. One such soldier was quoted as saying "It felt like I got hit in the butt. Real hard."
So in a versus match between Big Foot and Chewy Cobra who would the winner be?
I don't think there's any speculation that Chewy Cobra has the upper hand advantage on his side. 
Big Foot just don't have the juice anymore... arthritis, bad knees, bunions, late mortgage payments, etc.
Big Foot rides a single gear bike for crying out loud.
And on a related note, May 5th is quick approaching and the Lady Hump fully encourages you to attend the greatest Chewy Cobra event you could ever lactate in a beverage to, the one and only EL DIABLO RUN 2011. What exactly does that mean? I don't know...
Yum, yum, yum...
So what do you wanna do? Sit on a stump in a dank moss covered forest listening to some old yokel complain about urban scrawl taking his pine needle collections or party down with the bell ringing shark punching octane brewing chick fighting party animals! ~ Drink Up in San Felipe!

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