Thursday, July 14, 2011

Carmageddeon v. Borrego Springs, CA

 This is a public service message for the citizens of Los Angeles. There will be a freeway closure this weekend. You will be dramatically affected by this to the point of being unable to care for, think for, or do for yourself. This map assumes you are severly to mildy Retarded, either that, or it is actually a TEST to see if you can decode high-tech military encryption algorithms like some kind of Savant Genius out of a Bruce Willis movie? Hey, Simon. Look at me. Look at me, Simon. Look at my eyes. Look at my eyes. It's me, All3n.
Unicorn Samurai says there will soon be a large traffic snarl in your starfish! You will bend over for me! 
Save yourself from what is being billed as the end of the world-of-freeway closures this same weekend and get out of town. Forget your life, your plans, your bills (see, we need you to forget them so we can charge you late interest fees and issue warrants for your arrest. We gotta keep the system afloat.) Splitting lanes will only get you so far, until you're diverted off the freeway. Believe what we tell you in the media. News is our unbiased opinion on what you will swallow when we shove it down your gullet.
Make your choice before the City of Los Angeles comes to a complete stand-still.
You ever hear the expression, "You're going to sweat your ass off?" Well, this time it's going to read; Your going to sit your ass off. Flat off.

 A endless sea of track houses in every direction from Los Angeles. To the north (if) you can find your way past Palmdale and visit El Mirage lake bed, Vasquez Rocks, etc., but if you're willing to travel into the desert a bit fufinallyrther, might I suggest traveling east toward the Salton Sea or into the Death Valley area. I recommend Borrego Springs (above) for the weekend. It'll be hot, but come on, things are going to melt anyway right? Besides, you ain't no kind of city sissy are you? The only closure there is going to be the setting sun at about 8:30'ish, give or take a beer or two, pm.

People forgot how to make a sandwhich somewhere along this short human piped evolutionary track. It's two pieces of bread with some meat and/or cheese in the middle. It's leaving behind your dependancy on redundancy and actually doing things for yourself. "I need a Chipoltle Mexican grill. It's not just a burrito, it's a hand crafted foil wrapped cylinder of deliciousness! Oh no, I don't do Del Taco. Do you think I'm low class or something?" Barf...
You don't need cell phone, ipad, tomtom, or anything more technical than a book of matches. Leave it all behind, just for one weekend.
Ignore the hype. Turn off the T.V. and leave town now.

The T-Rex NEVER gave spare change to any homeless, cared about California Emission Laws, or needed to put baby kittens into pillow sacks to dispose of them in any river, fed the meter, cleaned his fingernails, added fabric softener to the laundry, poached an egg, or added sweet and low to his coffee... Why should you entertain "ant" like thinking with a brain bigger than his? You're a survivor. You're a winner baby. Take control of your ant hill destiny. And don't let the hype step you you, little ant.

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