Friday, October 21, 2011

Review: Cheapest Harley-Davidson rides, just, okay I guess...

I don't think you have the patience (I know I sure as hell don't) to read through the entire article with my added editorial improvements, so I'll just give you a series of highlights to ponder over your filled to the rim Super big gulp cup full of $1.99 white wine tonight as you surf the web in your boxers because your ol' lady is out on the prowl polishing brass poles because (like you) half of the country is unemployed and/or unemployable (read: no skills to speak of but playing video games and getting high).

This from a September 28th 2011, USA Today article reviewing the "Cheapest Harley Davidson" for 2012. "You'd be hard pressed to find a vehicle line with as many makeovers as the Harley-Davidson Sportster. Next year alone, Harley will be selling a half dozen versions (That's only 6? WTF?) of the Sportster, including the Iron, Nightster and Forty-Eight. Imagine a Civic with that many iterations (I'll bet they have close to 6 versions, not to mention options available). And while Sporties can look like wildly different beasts (that's a tag word. trying to get you to believe it's "animal" in nature! Oooo... be impressed now), they share universal traits behind the bars: they're bare boned (tag word), old-school (tag word) butt-rattlers (fag got) that are tremendous city brawlers (tag word diarrhea) but punishing touring (flat out lie) bikes."

Continuing on "... fire up the SuperLow and it becomes apparent this is a new Sportster from the wheels up (we hope you look down first and not notice the fact it's just last years bike). Lithe (I need more 50 cent words over here stat!), flickable, a gas-sipper and surprisingly stable at freeway speeds (the surprise is in store for you... just you wait sucker), the SuperLow marks Harley's best Sportster to date (MY SCHLONG IS HUGE!!!).

Reading on "... So don't fall for it. Throw a bag over your shoulder and enjoy a retro spin on a bike that's shucked most retro-hangups (Like, all Harleys mark their spot... or Fuck the Factory... or Sportsters are a... wait for it...a GIRLS BIKE).

You'd think that two-foot perch would make trips perilous, particularly at anything approaching highway speeds (Please, don't attempt to travel at over 50 mph, this bike is not designed or safe to do so).

The five-speed transmission clicks into gear smoothly and the electronic fuel injection brings the bike to an acceptable (That's a total give-a-way that the has NO SOUL WHAT-SO-EVER) growl on the first thumb-push (Ha ha, Push My Button Sexy). And the SuperLow's easy-pull clutch lever is actually easy to pull, another sorely-needed (literally) feature to the Hog (Don't forget the oldest Tag Word in our Company) stable.

If there's a drawback (Say it ain't so...) to being super low, it's that you can't be too aggressive in turns and corners (...aside from not traveling over 50 mph, please do not make any right or left hand turns while operating the vehicle). While Harley lists the maximum right and left lean angles as 24.7 and 24.4 degrees respectively, the bike feels like (don't worry, you'll barely notice the feel of a condom during intercourse) it is scraping foot pegs (and the exhaust) at gentler leans (please ignore the sparks emanating from the rear of the vehicle. There is nothing to worry about).

And while we're at it, how about throwing a few more retro items (Can we add some more chrome on it to blur their vision perhaps?) on a bike that's clearly aimed at the bobber crowd (Who the hell is the Bobber crowd)? A side-mounted plate, perhaps? Drag bars?" (btw, those were last years "improvements" aimed at key selling points, but we didn't realize skaters were such pot heads and most of them broke ass high school drop outs that couldn't float a loan if all they had to do was sign on a dotted line. Just call us Netflix!)

I'll leave you with this little gem. Stare at if for an infinite period of time before going to any dealership. She'll never sit that way on your new Sportster with is disfunction speed abilities and "turning" restrictions. So What do I always say?


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