Tuesday, December 6, 2011

VERSUS ~ Wild Hogs v. S.O.A. ~ This is a True Battle Royale!

This is thee battle of the decade for sure! The Wild Hogs versus the Sons of Anarchy! Each a legend in their own time. Each a worthy adversary that should not be underestimated. Not familiar with Lady Hump "Versus" matches? Hu... where you been hiding at jack? We take the hottest topics and put them against each other to see who comes out on top. Remember, points can be accumulated, but value can be attributed to a single point that simply demands a judgement worth more than total points accured. Say, for example from a previous Versus match; that Courtney Love would totally wipe the ass of Darth Vader. Nope. Even though Darth Vader, a fictional character is NOT real (I know...), and Courtney can actually produce (at least at some point) children, or rather "child" that she'd win easy... Sorry Darth does'th know how to party and who doesn't love a beer bonging Vader. Word up homeboy.

Please watch your step and keep all hands and appendages inside the vehicle for the following post:
Woody, the "Leader" of the Wild Hogs like to shoot from the hip. He's going through some tough times at home with the little woman, much like Clay and Jemma. Famous Woody quote: "I'm not in a rush, man. I just wanna ride, man. I just wanna ride. You know? Sally, ride. You are so weird! You ask some weird shit and say the weirdest things. Why don't you just, what, what?"  and another "Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down." Clay, the President of the Sons of Anarchy, however isn't much better, he can't even ride without a couple shots of cortisone in his hands, but he has little trouble squeezing other men's testicles. Whadda' queer fellow.
 Both are weasels. Insecure little men manipulated by others. Bobby runs the length of the leash his wife allows him and Juice gets squeezed by the new sheriff in town at the drop of a hat.
Bobby say's "I got a sore jaw from three hours of blowing...." (point noted), while the Juice is a slightly retarded child in need of adoption (point awarded for mere retardation mention).
 Dudley rides a Sportster (I know, end of "Versus" match right?... but let's continue just for giggles and poopy) and knows his motorcycle history, even a fan of the Panhead. Robert "Bobby" Munson has an old fat boy that coughs white smoke and bounces around causing (how, I don't know?) other near-by motorcycles to ride off the road crashing? Dudley has an affection for classic leather styling. Bobby has pretty wavy 70's trim on his cut. Bobby does however have one mean Elvis impersonation (point) and can get down with the ladies, in groups or single ol' mamas (point point point) and that's always a plus. Both are confident in who they are; Dudley a computer nerd and Bobby a big bellied horndog. Famous Dudley in-your-face! "And I got a girlfriend. Punch that out of me, bitches."
Jax; "Anarchism... stands for liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion; the liberation of the human body from the dominion of property; liberation from shackles and restraint of government. It stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals." ... omg, what a waste of breath (minus like, one hundred points for poetic slobbering in a single sentence)
The Golden Knight; "Ohh boy, my ass is sore." so simple yet so Shakespearean. Both men are however a tragedy. 
Maggie's a straight up Cougar ready to pounce! she has her shit together and boarders on milf status ...Roar! (extra point) Tara on the other hand, kinda high school. She's confused and on the fence about all things Charming... want's to be petted but not mutted. meow.

So who wins this Versus match-up? This is by far the hardest decision I have ever had to call.
... but seeing as how this guy (above) was featured in the Wild Hogs movie, I gotta punch myself in the nuts (two or three times) and hand the trophy to the Sons of Anar..c...h.... but wait a minute, I think I'm forgetting something... Oh yeah, the real winner is none other than,

WINNER: Johnny 5!!!
Why? Cause, he's a better actor than any of the characters in the two Versus categories, plus he actually "rides" and he wears a cut, and he's a hell of a lot more entertaining than either pussy club, as is Ben his side-kick human who sports the best line ever (EVER) said in a movie
"I am sporting a tremendous woody!"

I wouldn't blame you if you stopped following this blog immediately and sent me a box of tampons.

1 comment:

Capt. Mikhail McWheelie said...

I wish the Turttells would make an appearance on Buns of Manarchy :(