Friday, December 9, 2011

WORST OF 2011 ~ The New Standards in Biker Fashion (9 of 10)

Lady Hump ~ Attack of the Clones
Laying Down the Rules on Looking Good
Take notes. You will be tested.
This is the first process in conformity required today's hip urban Biker Fashion (pretty much the same as last year {link}, slight color modifications and fabric options). But don't think you would pull it off if you were still living last years latest greatest, they'd see right through you like a pair of fishnet panties. 
 Before you even think of starting, you'll need money, and lots of it. Credit cards too. The above picture is your typical "biker wallet" which might have been okay in 1996 when you were just chilling in high school. Not no more. Now your blings going to be upwards of $800 for your wallet and few bills more for your necessary accessories. I'm not even going to get into jewelry yet, so be prepared to drop another few grand on that too. Think about where to find rich, but yet, aspiring white trash girls who are suitable for, but not yet involved in the adult entertainment industry... this may get you started. If not, you'll have to make your money the old fashioned way, by ( but never a hipster option) "earning" it (just keep it a secret, we won't tell. Give a cover story, "I work at a bicycle messenger service downtown when I'm in town.")
Following the trend setters of the past, todays Biker Fashion savvy are on a whole new level. But you have to pull it off as if it's never been done (or down) before. See, denim vest's used to be in, but never admit that. You're the "new" kid on the block and every idea you come up with it 1000% percent (that's 900% fresher than fresh) yours!


The beginning starts with the Vest. It MUST be denim. Leather vests, even expensive ones from San Francisco or those made in the USA are Out with a capitol "O." Preferably your Biker Vest has to be rocked on top of a flannel, it may* also be permissible to wear one over a leather jacket but we'll breach that fashion faux pas later. You may chose to add "flair" to your Biker Vest by attaching selected pins and or patches.

I'd recommend that you have at least one Beer brand patch (how about PBR, but Miller or Coors will do?) and one Motorcycle related patch, not Harley Davidson but something like a wolf head or a red white and blue #1. It's gotta be dirty, even though your cut will be kept pressed and clean. All your clothes have to be kept pressed and clean. We're not going after the Biker Scum look... we just going after the implications. 
Flannel with a stance. No missing buttons, no tears, no stain. Your inner-rugedness is shining through your clothing right now! (Sounds like I copied that out of a Hipster catalog.)
PBR Tee's are the Cat's Tit, but any stylin' tee shirt you wear under your flannel will get you some respect. See, here's how it works; you gotta have the "tee" under the flannel cause that's what you're going to leave with the hipster chick you bring home from the bar the next morning. That way, you can always use it for a discussion topic. Option A.) "Hey bitch. You stole my shirt. I want it back." (the first call is always awkward. Do you call her the next day or wait a few days? What's the rule?) Her response has to be something akin to "Nu Uh, you gave that to me after we sharpened your pencil last night" or B.) "Hey Baby, you know, maybe I left my shirt at your house? Did you find anything there?" If she's into you, then BAM, the doors wide open. If she says "No. No shirt here." then move to Option C.) tell your friends, "Yeah I banged so and so, but you know what I think she took some money outta my wallet. I know she did, she totally snagged my bad ass PBR Tee shirt too!" It's a win win any way you add it up.
Black is the new Oily Brown in Boot colors. They gotta be Redwings. And go out and scuff them up on some ruff cement so it looks like you actually wear them to work (I know, how scuffed up could they get at Starbucks right? Well, this is the life you've chosen. Live with it.) Vans are quickly becoming the american version of the Indian Moccasin, nobody would be caught dead wearing them except some pot smoking hippie freak and we hate those kind of people. We HATE them with a PASSION. They (Vans) have a short shelf life, but hold onto them because they'll be back in fashion in ten years and you'll be able to sell some of those pairs that have been collection dust in your closet for hundreds of dollars!
Skinny Jeans with brand name labels and the insert rolled sock.
Nothing more to say than show the package!
Tattoos. Any kind any style, as long as their original and "in." Tattoos that are currently out of style; Dragons, Big breasted women, Big breasted women with Swords, any kind of Wizards unless they're holding a PBR can and a Wizard Staff. You'll get instant recognition if you're able to throw out some famous tattoo artist names like Kat Von Dee or anyone who works (or has worked) in her shop!
Caution: Do not use the name Sailor Jerry as that is a Rum and not related to tattooing any longer.
Ed Hardy is still not okay, but you can say "I used to like his style, but now I'm more into traditional tattooing."
"I love you man. I really really mean it."
"I love you too bro... but keep your hands off my PBR."
 Facial Hair is a must have. When was the last time you saw a clean shaven biker? Before he got his period I recon, cause once the "fuzz" starts sprouting, you just gotta let the world know you're fertile.
It really doesn't matter what style you chose, cause when you brag about it on the internet chopper forums no one can see your beard or mustache anyway. Mustache rides may be free but growing that sucker is going to take some time so have patience. You might want to tell people you "grew" your beard while Tuna fishing off the Alaskan coast during last season, this way you can make lots of Tuna jokes...
So why is the jacket a no-no? For several reasons. 1.) it's been done before. 2.) it's not even cool to hide your flannel. 3.) you gotta be able to strip off your clothing at a moments notice and a jacket is just too bulky. 4.) You're not in the Ramones. 5.) The 50's are so played out, Sha na' NOT. 6.) You live in Southern California, where it never dips below 70 degrees. And if it does, you wouldn't really be out riding would you? Of course not Darling! 7.) Girls would love to "hold" your cut for you, but not really into lugging around 15 lbs. of dead cow while you hopscotch around and get other chicks digits.

I think we've laid a pretty solid foundation at this point. Please review your clothing wardrobe and make any and all necessary adjustments. We'll talk more soon and dig a little deeper into the fashion and lifestyles of the hipster biker...

7 comments:

Kurjak said...

well yeah, but really? I mean, as long as you can get her panties down to her ankles, maybe off one leg, ANY fashion faux pas should be allowed. Or dis-allowed. Something like that. Its,,,all about her panties, man.

Mikhail the Fox of Fashion said...

YES! FINALLY! I keep wondering why everyone at all the chopper shows looks at me funny when I show up and now I know! It's my lack of biker fashion sense! Oh Allen, honey, you have saved my life!

All3n said...

It's the absolute least I could do... I seem to remember you had a different last name before???

Tony and Shelsey Ambrosi said...

The wallet with the chain is the best. I remember going to a gig in the nineties and the singer in the band made the comment " There must be a lot of cheap mother fuckers in this town everybody has there wallet on a chain".

All3n said...

I remember a EXCEL show at Fenders back in the day when the suicidals in the pit would pull and take chain wallets from all the english types with cheeta arm leather painted jackets, etc. Reason #1 never wear a wallet with a chain.

Mikhail the Enigma said...

Maybe I'm one man or maybe I'm all men? Maybe I'm just a figment of everyone's imagination. A sort of manifestation of all truth in the motosickle kingdom...

vinny said...

one of the funniest, most accurate things i have read in a long time. douchebaggery at it's finest, pointed out for all to see.. you nailed it.!