Sunday, January 1, 2012

* * * * 2012 MANIFEST ULTIMATO * * * *

We're Back! Did you miss us? We missed you. Welcome to 2012! We understand you have come to expect a certain level of quality from the Lady Hump as a member of the Velvet Rope Club. Seeing as how the entire planet is going to come to a grinding halt on December 21st, 2012, we are prepared to offer you our best (wishes) until that time. We may not be able to provide you with a means of escape from the worlds ultimate fate, but we will try to provide you our form of "original distraction" until that time. And time is, evidently, short. Like Danny Devito. So, let's face it. You didn't come here for or expecting anything serious did you? Nope.

Rule (of) the Blogosphere
(as it pertains to Chopper Culture)
1.) You must post pictures of Bikes. You can take them yourself (with a camera) or you can take them yourself (with a right click). Terry posted a method to steal even pictures that had download disables on your Mac. Anyone can take a asexual picture of a motorcycle. The talent comes from taking creative posturing pictures; dropped bikes, bike details, bike relationships with owners, bike in mid air, bikes in disrepair, bikes in the night, and bikes on a plane. I will not ride my bike on a train.

2.) You must post pictures of Bike parts. This could be gas tanks, oil tanks, tail lights, hand grips, anything rare, expensive, fabbed up, garage find'ed, polished or polish, patina'd or broken, anything but chrome gromettes. Why not Chrome Gromettes? Well, we've discovered they are, the DEVIL.

3.) You have to post pictures of Bros. The more beards the better. Just don't call them "Bear" cause that means something entirely irrelevant in the Big Book of Webster. Dressing alike or similar in fashion will project an image of unity among the group of individuals (aka Bros) that are herein pictured. One of the easiest ways to simulate this is; just have everyone wear Black Tee Shirts. Simple method.

4.) Don't forget the Ladies. Sweater Puppies. Headlights. The Twins. Mamaries. Chesticles. Bee Stings. Cans. Babylons. That is, topless girlfriends, wives, neighbors, relatives, etc. who can spike the vollyball over the net with a mere glance. Having them stand in any of the above mentioned photos is a guarantee "Stat Push" on your blog visitation counter. It works something like this; they say that 89% of all Internet traffic is porn searches. That leaves only 11% of the surf culture looking for (potentially) your blog. What you need to do is go all "Twilight" on their ass and suck that traffic out of them like a pint of blood. Extra points for Puffys!

5.) This is what's known as the "Fifth Element" It's that secret ingredient in your Colonel Sanders fried chicken that makes the mouth water and the starfish pucker. It could be anything, and often times is what causes blogs to fail miserably because "You're not doing it right." It could be food which is very common these days. It could be World War II planes, punk rock 12" LP album covers with Youtube song links, Hipster Art, Ghetto Funnies, Skateboards, Fashion, Belt Buckles, Leather Wallets, magazine scans, or merely vintage pictures relating to Choppers (usually in black and white, but occasionally in faded and slightly out of focus color). This element, done correctly, will be the second bannana to your main theme that actually is the olfactory attractant to your blogs sweet smelling whaf. Some will go too far, and resort to hardcorn pornography, gun wounds, or something else that is equally repulsive, like custom Vans from the 70's, and lose more visitors than they gain. Sad, sad. sad.
Astro Truckin' Overkill

Pretty much, if you're thinking of creating a blog, it's as easy as Tempura Battered Hot Dogs. And who isn't? Everyone has one. Every Re One. This is your Lady Hump Manifest for Success. And don't forget your "Tag Line." It's gotta be something that others will remember in addition to your blog name. Previously, I've used such hit's as "Respect The Sportster" and "Ride the Rainbow" but nothing say's Lady Hump better than, "Sportsters Not Dead, They Just Suck New." So go on, use a little creative drop of dew juice and come up with something Grand. Here's some fresh ideas to get you rolling...

If you are what you eat. And a Cat eats Pizza, what is it?

Smoke My Butt Dust Bro!

Swords of Anarchy ~ Swing Both Ways

A Giant Orgy of Japs, Brits, and American Trannies (and Engines)


Frolicking Rollicking Mustache Chopper Gods

(or even)

Don't Make This Close Encounter A Rape

(use your imagination)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awesome post! Swords of Anarchy...