Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Blow Up your Television, Cancel your Netflix, and Turn Off your Flesh Light

As if you need any (new, other, additional, obvious, persuasive... etc.) reason to turn off the television, here's what you have to look forward to in 2012.
TURN IT OFF 2012

Orange County Choppers
There's little left to transverse in the whorifing world of Pauly Sr. and Jr., aside form Jesse James stopping by for a paycheck (guy's gotta pay bills you know). His career was already dead, what's another nail worth? What would Indian Larry have done? Let's say for a minute, and we'll make it a quick minute. That he's still alive and he stood in the place of Jesse James for the build-off. What kind of bike do you think he would have "built" is my question? Mr. James, I'm sorry but your bike sucked as bad as the others. Regardless, I'm sure they'll be back on the air. Maybe, someone will get the "idea" to have them build concept bikes for Harley Davidson (there's a company that could actually use a concept bike... think about it). Retire when you're on top fella's... I guess you'll be working forever.
Son of Anarchy
Will Tig ever give Gemma the big "Oh!" again? Will Unsers Sportster ever see the rubber hit the road? Will Opie return? "Sounds like lying to me..." is about as poetic as this show gets. Who, in their right mind, would align themselves with this "group" (I hesitate to call them a Club). Yes, it's only a mytho based on Hamlet, fine. Backstabbing brothers who go about backstabbing brothers, and just about every other person in and around the small town of Charming. 
Actors we'd most like to see make an appearance as patched memebers on S.O.A.;
Ken Jeong, Rainn Wilson, and Jon Gries.

Full Throttle Saloon
Here's the skinny. A racially-hair confused white guy sits in an office and talks on the phone, raido, etc. etc., he's got lots of drama going on all around him, like a messy desk and not having any ice to chill beer ($10 for a bottle of bud light. I know, it's funny... there's a thought. You run what again? Oh yeah, a Saloon.), there's some other poeple on staff who run around like they've got important business going on underfoot, yadda yadda yadda. Strippers who don't strip. Musicians who don't play. Bikers who don't ride. That's Wonder Bread M/C. How to improve the show? Give him a pet Baboon to to tote around the Saloon grounds with on a dog lease. Have his girlfriend (?) and all the other gyrating girls wear ball gags during the show (during the entire show) so we don't ever have to hear them talk again about the horror's of working behind a bar and being forced to dance to earn a living... my oh my.
"I figured, if it's cool to have a chain on your wallet. This is my Crotch Lock."
The guy in the red bandana and vest is calling for security; "Get me some back-up over here! We've got a guy trying to take a funny picture next to Brittani, and he hasn't paid the $20 fee yet!"

The Hairy Bikers, as if cooking posts in blogs were'nt enough, now you've got half hour programs spotlighting how to cook with trash can lids and dried steer manure while roasting frog meat. Why in the hell do we continue to steal television shows from England. "Hay lo, I like the, how to you say, Taco Bella?"
"Hu? Did you say Cooking? ...Tasty."

There's no Eva Mendez, but I'm sure they can find some juicy tang for this Eastern European epic. I mean, you've got Nicolas Cage who's one of the best actors in Hollywood right? He can carry any sequel. The mere fact that they put a V-Maxx in the movie instead of some kinda hell-born OCC Chopper gives them RESPECT of the highest degree. There's a few other movies that might have motorcycles in them, Dredd (Judge Dredd) being the most likely (September 2012), and there's sure to be something in the next Dark Knight movie (although calling it a motorcycle might be a yoga stretch).
Vmax is a sexy bike.

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