Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I think it's time for a VERSUS Match! Vikings take on Unicorns ...

I'd do Cowboys v. Peacocks, but I think we all know the obvious winner there. Both have "Cocks" but the Cowboy image for the Weekend Biker pretty much died on Brokeback Mountain. The Versus Matches kinda fell outta favor this year too. I just didn't have enough time to put in the effort. Besides, once Darth Vader trumps Courtney Love, Lady Gaga's Tattoos go head to toe with Amy Winhouse's, and Mr. T and Boris (the painter) go at it, really, how much more is there? The Artist formerly know as "Prince" is still waiting for his day... let that sissy wait.

Biker Fashion was Top on my List about 2 years ago; Denim Cuts, chain wallets, tight jeans, Pabst t-shirts, Redwing Boots, i.e., your "a-typical" Biker Wardrobe. And sure, there's always the "after" wardrobe most bikers slip into when they "slip into something more comfortable" that being the lingerie hidden in the back of the closet. We know. Don't deny it. The touch and the feel of cotton only get you so far through the day Pinky Stinky.

VIKINGS v. UNICORNS

Vikings have the "Hot Chick" factor. There's an endless supply of 20 year olds who wanna dress up and play "tough chick" without being "Property of..." on the back of a bike. So far so good ...

There's "Valhalla" which is a subsitute for having to directly talk about heaven and hell, because as you know, politics and religion are subject best left alone. Dragons are a lot "tamer" when you're a Viking than having Satanic Demons turn your ol' lady into the Exorsist when you get back from a "Toy Run" to the local strip pole... I mean "North Pole" oh~k, you know what I mean, admit it. High Five, Strippers! "Shhhh... Not so loud, the ol' ball and chain might catch wind of it." Hey, no prob. She's about to catch wind of the tuna on your crotch in about ten seconds... Your "Weekend Warrior" lifestyle just happened to cross over to a "Monday." Hang in there Kitty, the weekend's only five more days away.

You still get to play dress up with Jewelry, Bear Skin (or whatever) Vists and collars, sheep skin lining, leather pants (those feel great on a hot sweaty day) and boots, a wide variety of weaponry and Beer Bellies! Farts and Burps allowed!

Chicks dig Vikings
(or at least they pretend to for photographs)
(Truth be told, most of those same "type" chicks probably wanna go "Full Growth" on the pit hair, so just a friendly F.Y.I. there...)
And why is he looking at her eyes? The first thing I noticed was Mrs. Perky Puff.

And yes, you can still "get stupid" with the Viking Biker-persona. As if there would be some unwritten restrictions on how far you want to take it? No way. Take it all the way...

Lady Gaga Interlude .... Nice Training Wheels fatty.

"Ohhhh.... The Lady, the Gaga, the Goo Goo Goob'ga?"


Now for the Unicorn Rebuttal ...
 Unicorns never, and I mean, NEVER leave a party early. Unicorns are the Twin Peaks of television shows, the Twelve Monkeys of movies, and as smooth as the Lando Calrissian's of Galaxies far far away.

 Unicorns leave memories that you will find irreversible to adjust to or put behind you. They will scar you're soul in unimaginable ways until the oncoming sweet breath of Alzheimers sedates and dulls your Lunacy.
Unicorns will direct your life in every way and you will be at their whimsical sense of humor at every turn. Vikings might "rape and pilage" but Unicorns most certinally "infect and mutate" your very nucleic structure... why do you think you're made of elements and acids, if this was not the case?

Who's that man rocking the stash on Gas Giant Bespin?
It's Lando...

"Hey pretty Momma, I told you I'd make it into a Lady Hump VERSUS match one day... now why don't you apologize and suck my Colt 45."

I said, hey man, ... nice cape. ~ Lady Hump

WINNER: LANDO CALRISSIAN!!!
... cause he's smoooooth, beeotch!



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