Friday, May 1, 2015

The DO's and DONT's of Modern Chopperdude Weaponry

The "Chopper World" (think mobile two wheeled theme parks) is a very DANGEROUS place. Today's Modern Chopperdude has a tendency to get punked out wherever they ride their Chopper too, but you also have a wide selections of self-protection available in the form of "weapons". It's important that you choose the proper accessories for your daily outfit. 

Do you see potential victims, or hundreds of people intent on harming you?!?

Gone are the days of getting away with breaking a bottle over the bartop and slicing some Hippies face off for sitting on your bike at Cook's Corner. Today you need to protect yourself in style. How else will anyone know you're ready for action if you don't promote it? Pre-promote yourself on Instagram and/or upload a video of yourself in simulated "action" on Youtube. Think, "Star Wars Kid" and you'll know what your video should look like. I would also suggest hours of practice, with whatever weapon of choice you choose, in front of your bathroom mirror is best. 

The Classic Brass Knuckles. They're out of style and surely a solid DONT. No longer merely the item in your right front pocket. Today you need to show the world what to expect. You might think they're merely for tourists visiting the kiosks outside of the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Blvd. or teensters at the mall, but no Brass Knuckle belt buckles are totally in! By the time you take them off your pants, eveyone will be watching the upcoming show~


But wait! You're going to be too busy taking selfies at Born Free? Still got you covered Girlfriend. Select the iBrass Knuckles from apple. Guaranteed to keep you current on social media and protected in the event someone cuts in front of you in the Bud Light line. That's a i'DO!

You see a lot of people carrying the classic "Ball Peen" hammer on their motorcycles and that's great if you're concerned with roadside repairs while riding on your wooden chopper. But you're not likely to carry your hammer around while checking out all the choppers inside the Easyrider show? 


How about the classic knives? Everyone's got one clipped to their pocket? (what do they use them for? Nothing really, but sometimes they cut zip ties and steal banners from events and show walls or fences) But you're not like everyone are you? You're special. You need a special knife... 

So get yourself a MOTORCYCLE KNIFE and everyone will know you're down with a little slice and dice! Available in Hardtail versions or Full Dress Baggers, these knives will leave little doubt that you're one bad ass motor fooker on two wheels. Still not sure what you'll use them for? Maybe you'll need to pry slivers out of your hands from all the time you spent hammering your wooden chopper back together on the side of the road. You're a Biker AND now a Nurse too. Impressive to say the least.


Knives are today's modern symbol of Choppers the world round. Knives and three piece suits in some countries. Reminds you a little of San Felipe hu? That's where I took the picture below on the EDR 2011.

"But sometimes they wont let me take my knife into the bar or club?"
Shit, lifestyle branding has you covered!
Get yourself a pair of knife socks. They're proof positive you'll be respected anywhere you wear them. Although, if these socks are trapped underneath your tight skinny jeans and no one can see them, you'll loose points.

Maybe you've got an Etsy shop and want to cross promote while still maintaining all the benefits of carrying a concealed weapon? Nothing says ready to cut those sleeves into tassels AND ready to run after you with pointy objects than a nice sharp pair of scissors. The shoes too, man, those are the modern biker boots (available at Nordstroms for $450.00)


Then there's Guns. Guns are pretty boring these days, everyone is a gun builder or gunsmith and everyone has a vest with a concealed gun pocket; it's almost as if they make EVERY vest with a concealed gun pocket (because they do...). Is your nickname Jesse James? Wow. I'm impressed.

But not everyone wears a cool leather vest. Denim vests aren't as classic as the time tested leather vest and don't always have the concealed gun pocket. What's a modern chopperdude to do? Get a Pistol Bra (made for a woman or a man) and it'll give a whole new meaning to "Dump them out" when you unload into the trunk of that Ford Fiesta or Mazda Miata' at the red light that doesn't give you enough room to split lanes up to the front.

Talk about popularity! You'll get so many likes you can't even.


How about Canes. You'll look very Leonardo DeCaprio when you stroll around the Chopperfest carrying your cane (a Top Hat and Cape certainly can't hurt either). And when some fancy pants bearded unwashed jokel' bumps into you, man, you'll be able to get the upper hand on him because you're already carrying your weapon (in you hand!) think of the possibilities.


Last but not least, in our little (albeit incomplete) list of common Modern Chopperdude Weaponry is the good ol' fists that God gave you! Haymakers are probably the strongest punch you could throw during a good public fight on the grass in Ventura or in a Mexican strip club. 


"I said your Earplugs are Hideous!"

Still haven't found the perfect weapon (because you're more sissy than any girl alive)? There's yet another option I might suggest that takes a little more effort on your part, but the payout can be just as rewarding. Instead of physical damage to your opponent, think of the mental damage you can inflict upon them when you master...


"You're a Chicken... riding a Sportster... making clucking sounds instead of engine noises..."

"Yes my Master. Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluck, Cluuuuuuuuuuuckkkk!!!!!"

There are several legitimate online college-type websites who offer study from home courses in and/or books/DVD's for sale on how to get (not only) Women to do what you want, but also, how to win fights without throwing a punch! Buy now, protect yourself later...

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